Do I live in the moment or am I constantly worried about the past or future?

If you are anything like me, you spend your time residing in the shoulda-coulda-wouldas and the-I- wish-I-would-have-dones or the one-day-I will-do-this. You never really stop and acknowledge the essence of right now.

We miss the shear feeling of being alive when we are not in the moment. Yes, we should all have future plans and we should even learn from our pasts. But history is not a place to habitation, it's just a point of reference and the future is not a fantastical magical place, it just be something to look forward to.

When we embark on a journey to become better, as humans do find ourselves in moments where we we go off plan for one reason or another. We can find ourselves becoming self deprecating when we miss a workout or eat something not on our list. Living in the past means we think about that moment (our screwup) far beyond THAT MOMENT, when the reality is that once the workout is missed or the food is eaten, a new moment begins. On this journey, we fantasize about our perfect numbers and our perfect time frame. We dream about how our lives will become so much better when we reach our goals, reality is the pounds we haven't lost or the the .4 pound we have lost is worthy of being recognized right now, the reality is also that our happiness is not based on a perfect set of statistics and the greater reality is that if we are not truly, happy, WHOLE people right now-- in this moment-- no number on the scale or in the back of our jeans will ever change that. Happiness and self acceptance are yours for the taking today--they are not exclusive to the future. There is no one day-- I will love myself, there is just today--to love yourself.

The past gives us the platform to enjoy today and the future pushes us back to being in the moment.

Today I vow to live in the moment, to inhale the joy of my life with it's ups and down as effortlessly as the rise and fall of my chest, to accept all aspects of my body, my size, my shape, the roundness of my belly, my stretch marks-- because no one else's body is like mine.

The past demands that I enjoy today and the future is yet to me. So in this moment, I enjoy life because NOW is when I breathe.....

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TEAM USA

I’m reminded of the 2008 Team USA Women’s Track and Field Team. It was the relay race, the 4 X 100, my favorite. The mens team had just dropped the baton in their qualifier and would not be eligible to compete. Later that night, when the womens team came up for their qualifier, surely their race would go more smoothly than the mens, but it didn’t. In the final leg, the runners dropped the baton. They would not be competing for a medal.

Although the race was lost and there was no way the womens team was moving on to the medal round, the runner of the last leg fetched the fallen baton, breathed new life into it and finished the race. There would be no gold medal for her efforts but that one single moment was golden.

I watched the replay of their dashed dreams in a puddle of my tears. At first I wasn’t sure why I was crying--my emotions changed from simple streams of water to a raging river ugly cry, as the tears came harder, faster, longer—I knew my tears were coming from a place deep within and I thought to myself, ‘Why don’t I have that thing that made the runner not give up?’ ‘Why don’t I have the will and strength of character to not give up, no matter what, even when you know you can’t win?

I cried because I was proud of her determination and I was sad at my lack thereof.

Many times I’ve bounced from one diet to the next, crossing the finish line at that magic number; having my moments in time. Sometimes relying on others to push me forward, having no motivation of my own. There were times when I failed, simply quit for one reason or another or just didn’t put in the effort needed to succeed. I’ve had the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat and it’s been much broader than my weight loss efforts, it’s been a pattern in my life, a stronghold, giving up on one’s self is a life of bondage and tedium.

What I learned from watching this year’s Olympic games--winning is in the heart--not in the scorecard--in so much of my life I’ve been the baton, but this year--this time--I am going to be the runner.

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