Do I live in the moment or am I constantly worried about the past or future?

If you are anything like me, you spend your time residing in the shoulda-coulda-wouldas and the-I- wish-I-would-have-dones or the one-day-I will-do-this. You never really stop and acknowledge the essence of right now.

We miss the shear feeling of being alive when we are not in the moment. Yes, we should all have future plans and we should even learn from our pasts. But history is not a place to habitation, it's just a point of reference and the future is not a fantastical magical place, it just be something to look forward to.

When we embark on a journey to become better, as humans do find ourselves in moments where we we go off plan for one reason or another. We can find ourselves becoming self deprecating when we miss a workout or eat something not on our list. Living in the past means we think about that moment (our screwup) far beyond THAT MOMENT, when the reality is that once the workout is missed or the food is eaten, a new moment begins. On this journey, we fantasize about our perfect numbers and our perfect time frame. We dream about how our lives will become so much better when we reach our goals, reality is the pounds we haven't lost or the the .4 pound we have lost is worthy of being recognized right now, the reality is also that our happiness is not based on a perfect set of statistics and the greater reality is that if we are not truly, happy, WHOLE people right now-- in this moment-- no number on the scale or in the back of our jeans will ever change that. Happiness and self acceptance are yours for the taking today--they are not exclusive to the future. There is no one day-- I will love myself, there is just today--to love yourself.

The past gives us the platform to enjoy today and the future pushes us back to being in the moment.

Today I vow to live in the moment, to inhale the joy of my life with it's ups and down as effortlessly as the rise and fall of my chest, to accept all aspects of my body, my size, my shape, the roundness of my belly, my stretch marks-- because no one else's body is like mine.

The past demands that I enjoy today and the future is yet to me. So in this moment, I enjoy life because NOW is when I breathe.....

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TEAM USA

I’m reminded of the 2008 Team USA Women’s Track and Field Team. It was the relay race, the 4 X 100, my favorite. The mens team had just dropped the baton in their qualifier and would not be eligible to compete. Later that night, when the womens team came up for their qualifier, surely their race would go more smoothly than the mens, but it didn’t. In the final leg, the runners dropped the baton. They would not be competing for a medal.

Although the race was lost and there was no way the womens team was moving on to the medal round, the runner of the last leg fetched the fallen baton, breathed new life into it and finished the race. There would be no gold medal for her efforts but that one single moment was golden.

I watched the replay of their dashed dreams in a puddle of my tears. At first I wasn’t sure why I was crying--my emotions changed from simple streams of water to a raging river ugly cry, as the tears came harder, faster, longer—I knew my tears were coming from a place deep within and I thought to myself, ‘Why don’t I have that thing that made the runner not give up?’ ‘Why don’t I have the will and strength of character to not give up, no matter what, even when you know you can’t win?

I cried because I was proud of her determination and I was sad at my lack thereof.

Many times I’ve bounced from one diet to the next, crossing the finish line at that magic number; having my moments in time. Sometimes relying on others to push me forward, having no motivation of my own. There were times when I failed, simply quit for one reason or another or just didn’t put in the effort needed to succeed. I’ve had the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat and it’s been much broader than my weight loss efforts, it’s been a pattern in my life, a stronghold, giving up on one’s self is a life of bondage and tedium.

What I learned from watching this year’s Olympic games--winning is in the heart--not in the scorecard--in so much of my life I’ve been the baton, but this year--this time--I am going to be the runner.

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X Marks the Spot!

So, instead of being poetic today, I thought I would update you all on how my progress is going with P90X.

I started this journey on September 8th, making today the start of my third week. With each passing week, I’ve been feeling stronger. I love to lift weights. Nothing makes me feel more like a woman than lifting weight, okay, that’s a complete exaggeration.

Today was my third chest and back workout, the pushup workout from hell and I did a lot of them on my feet instead of my knees. Now, I’m a girlie girl. I like to look pretty but trust me there was nothing pretty about grunting out full-body pushups. Wait, I take that back. There was this pretty feeling I got knowing one day I will have a nice upper body.

I’ve been trying to do the program as designed. Operative word in that sentence is ‘trying’. Guess what? There is no trying. There is do and do not. So, under that theory, I’ve had not been eating the way I should and I have not completed all the workouts, Yoga X and Kenpo X, give me trouble for various reasons.

P90X comes with a nutrition guide and there is a portion control option. This is the best option for a girl like me—meaning someone who has to look up a recipe for boiling water. So, it should be a piece of cake right? NOT!! I can’t seem to translate those little portion control squares into full meals. I’ve been making better choices but probably not enough good choices.

So, at the start of my third week, I’m all ready feeling like a failure. I know at the end of my 30 days, there will be no difference in my size, weight, or measurements. I can feel it and I can see it---the SAME---is written all over my body. I’m trying (there is that word again)…I am focusing on the numbers even though I told myself I wouldn’t. It’s hard not to. I’m focusing on all the numbers, my clothing size, the weight, the measurements, how many workouts I complete, how many reps, how much weight did I use…and frankly…I’m drowning in mathematics.

Why am I allowing myself to be defined this way? Doesn’t it matter I have a family who loves me no matter what size my jeans read. Doesn’t it matter that I have friends who think I’m the life of the party, whether or not my scale was up or down that day. Doesn’t it matter my husband thinks I’m the best woman on the planet regardless if my tummy is not tight and cellulite has taken an almost permanent residence on my thighs. Yes, it matters, but it matters less than what I think of myself. And myself is fed up with that ‘meatloaf’ that sits on top of my pants when I sit down….and for goodness sake….I’m a vegetarian!!!

I can see definition in my shoulders and arms, a line forming across the top of my body, the parallel lines of my abs are shining through, calf muscles are starting to protrude, and my quads and hamstrings are now letting the world know they are two separate muscles. Good stuff right? I think so. As the saying goes, Rome wasn’t built in a day. At some point, it was under construction…. and so am I…. under construction…mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually.

P90X is more than push, pull, jump, squat, kick, and stretch. It’s more than 12 workouts designed to get you into the best shape of your life. It’s a torture ride into the soul of a woman (this woman). Do I have what it takes to be the best Reesy I can be? If I do, then the definition of who I am is not in mathematics. The definition of who I am begins with character…an X.

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What's In Your Weather Report?

Are you walking around in a fog? Most of us know one thing- we want to lose weight. We exercise regularly. We clean up our diets (for the most part), but the scale doesn’t move and our pants are fitting the same, if not tighter than before. Have you checked your weather?

Are you eating mindlessly? Are you fully conscious of the things you put in your mouth and why? Bottom line: If you are NOT hungry, you should NOT be eating.

This kind of eating is known as “fog eating”. We have all been there. You know, those times where we open up a bag of chips or cookies and eat them for no apparent reason, shoveling it in as if junk food makers are going on strike, next thing you know you are having that, I-can’t-believe- I-ate- the- whole-thing moment. If we are not careful, fog eating can have a direct effect on one’s self esteem, thus thrusting us into a vicious cycle of self-loathing, pigging out, and maybe a couple days off our plan. Was that whole can of Pringles worth this?

Food is intended for fuel for our bodies but when we think of it in these terms it sounds so boring and unexciting---so what do we do---we supplement that notion by eating foods we like to eat---in earnest and most of the time---unconsciously.

Consider this, if we eat most of the time for fuel (80%-90%), when the time comes to eat joyfully (and I advocate doing so in moderation), why wouldn’t you choose to eat, slowly, delightfully---consciously. Anything worth eating is worth enjoying every bite and know this—no matter what your joyful foods are, when you aren’t enjoying it anymore STOP EATING IT. Your waistline will thank you.

Nothing will derail you faster than fog eating. Check your weather report.

What's in today's forecast?

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Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today....

....to join this [man] and this [woman] in matrimony--to their bodies.

Today I request the pleasure of your company at my wedding.

My body all five foot, eleven inches of it, is the love of my life, my eternal soul mate, and the one person I was born to love. I'm committing to give my body my best, by eating well and staying active--the key to having a happy, healthy marriage. No more cold feet nor fear of commitment. I no longer find just cause why I shouldn't be lawfully married to my body.

Share my wedding customs.

Something Old- is the trainer and the workout I know works for me.
Something New- will be a different style of workout I’ve never tried before.
Something Borrowed- are the fitness tips and recipes from the Million Dollar Body club.
Something Blue- Beachbody.

We are ready to begin....

I, Reesy, take you, my body, to be my wedded body for life, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish. I will honor you, protect you, take care of you, and obey you, 'till death do us part, and hereto I pledge you my faithfulness.

Are you ready to take your vows?

Divorce is not an option.

Author- Reesy

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